So How Do I address you ? A guide for beginners

I am using the word "Trans" in the broadest sense, to include labels like genderqueer, transgender and transsexual. This was originally written from my own experience as a MtF Transsexual who is perceived as both female and male. Of course, every Trans person is different, and would write this list differently. Also, some things, which are totally inappropriate with strangers or acquaintances, may be fine or welcomed in the context of a trusting relationship. I'm sad to say that I've done most of the things on this list at some point in my life, and had most of them done to me even by other Trans people. As with other forms of oppression, they are socialised into us from birth. We are all taught to be Transphobic, and unlearning it is a process and a responsibility in a modren forward thinking buisness.

Pronouns & Self-Identification
Respect everyone's self-identification. Call everyone by their preferred name/s and pronoun/s. Use language and behaviour that is appropriate to their gender self-identification. Do this for everyone, all the time, no matter how much you think they deviate from what a "real man" or "real woman" should be. What we truly know ourselves to be should be the only determinant of our gender in society. Set aside your doubts, start educating yourself and respect that we are who we say we are. By doing this you are saying: "I see you, I support you, I respect you." By not doing this, you let Trans people know: "I don't understand you and I'm not trying to. What you tell me about yourself is not important, all that's important is how I think of you. I am not your ally. You are not safe with me." Being referred to or treated as the wrong gender feels painful and disrespectful to us. It's hard and dangerous to change your name and pronoun. Know that it has taken a lot of courage for this person to let you know who they really are; they are sharing something very precious. It may seem hard or silly to you at first, but it can be a matter of life and death for us.

If you don't know what pronouns or gender-labels someone prefers (and there's no mutual friend around to clue you in), just ask them. Politely. And respectfully. For example: "What pronoun do you prefer?" or "How do you like to be referred to, in terms of gender?" Usually when people can't immediately determine someone's gender, they become afraid and hostile. If you misrecognise someone's gender, it's okay, don't freak out. Apologise once and get it right the next time. Misidentifying or being unable to classify someone's gender does not have to be an awkward or shameful experience. By asking someone in the right way, you can indirectly communicate: "I want to be respectful of you and I don't want to make any assumptions. I see your gender ambiguity and/or fluid gender expression as a positive, fabulous, creative and honest (need I go on?) thing."

Some Transpeople are bravely making more space for gender diversity by using language creatively. Respect these efforts and don't dismiss them as silly, funny, weird or too difficult. (Remember Mahatma Ghandi's words: "First they ignored us, then they laughed at us, then they tried to fight us, then we won.") .
Invasive Questions
Medical Information
You do NOT have the right to know any medical or anatomical information about anyone else's body, unless they decide to share it with you. This means: don't ask about their genitals, their surgeries, the effects of their hormones, etc. This is private! The first question usually asked to Transpeople is, "Do you have a penis?" or "Do you have a vagina?" Would you ask a non-Trans person about their genitals? To do so is incredibly invasive and disrespectful. It reduces us to one body part, as if all the rest of our minds, hearts, bodies, contributions and personalities are not important. Our bodies are not a community forum, or a tool to educate you!

Also, don't ask us about our surgeries, medications, etc. If we want you to know about something, we'll bring it up. For example, just because your friend-of-a-friend-of-a-Transperson told you that someone is having surgery, doesn't mean you have a right to come up and ask them about it (especially in front of other people).

Don't ask us if we've had a sex change operation. Gender transition doesn't happen through one magic operation. And the operation you're thinking of probably involves transforming our genitals, which, again, is reductive and disrespectful. Some of us never want to have any surgeries. Some of us desperately want surgery and can't afford it or don't have access to it. For a lot of female-to-male Transpeople the surgeries they would want don't exist. Even if you're curious, don't interrogate us. It's not our job to educate you and we may not feel like answering your incredibly personal questions right now. Unless we bring it up, don't ask us how our gender is affecting our personal relationships. For example, if you just met me, don't ask me how my family is taking it.

If you want to find out more about trans bodies or our families, educate yourself through books, websites, films, etc.

"Outing"
Trans people have a huge range of ways that we navigate the world, based on preference and necessity. Transphobia functions very differently than homophobia; being "out" is not necessarily desirable or possible for us. Being a trans ally means supporting people in being more safe and healthy - which may mean anything between letting everyone they meet know they are Trans, to keeping their gender history entirely confidential. Its crucial to support people in being as "out", or not, as they need to be. There are many situations in which being "out" could have serious negative repercussions; Transpeople are killed every year just because other people find out they are Trans. Revealing someone's Trans status could cost them a job, a relationship, or their physical safety. Many Transpeople are perceived 100% of the time as their preferred gender, and no one would ever suspect they had been through a gender transition at some point. Some of these folks prefer never to be "out" as trans and, in fact, may not even consider themselves "Trans." This is a completely valid choice among the huge spectrum of gender diversity. If you know someone whose Trans experience is completely private, respect them by honouring that privacy.

Some of us are most comfortable being "out" as Trans all the time; some of us may never reveal our Trans status to anyone. Do not assume that just because you know us in one way, that we are able to, or choose to, live that way in every other part of our lives. Some of us express our gender in different ways in different parts of our lives. For example, we may not be able to find work as the gender we truly are. Or we may only find peace by living some of the time in a more masculine gender and some of the time as more feminine. For myself, even though I hate being called "she", if someone refers to me that way, I might or might not correct them depending on many variables: whether I'm going to have to see them again, how confident I feel, who I'm with, how much backup I have, etc.

Think about when and why you "out" someone as trans. Are you talking about your "Trans friend" just to prove how open and hip you are? Is it necessary to out this person, or are you doing it for your own personal reasons?

Names
Names are very powerful things. For a lot of Trans people, the names given to us by our parents represent a gender identity which was wrong, humiliating and forced. Changing our names carries a lot more weight than it does for non-Trans people. Don't ask someone what their old name was. And don't ask if our current names are our "given names", or worse yet, "real names." If someone wants you to know, they will tell you. If you know someone's old name, don't share it with other people.

Some transpeople go by multiple names, because they are in transition, or because they prefer it that way. Again, don't trip about it. Just ask them what they prefer to be called and then call them that, every time. It may seem strange to you, but it's completely normal for us.

Transition
Please do not assume that our gender transitions are linear, one-way, or start or end at a fixed point. For example, some intersex people* (who aren't "born male" or "born female") have Trans experiences, and may also identify as Trans. Some Transpeople, for example, may express themselves as masculine, feminine and then back to masculine. In an ideal world this would be no different than having long hair, then short hair, then long again. There are infinite ways to transition. Things like binding, packing, tucking, electrolysis, hormones, surgery, or changing our name, legal "sex" and pronoun, are some of the possible steps of a gender transition. Trans people have the right to make all, some or none of these changes, and in any order.

 It is also not adivseable to ask us if we are sure, or remind us that our transition is irreversible and that we may regret our changes & do not tell us we are coming out as Trans just to be "trendy". We have usually been thinking about and dealing with our gender issues for a long time, although we may not have shared our years of internal torment with you. We are aware of, and probably very excited about, the consequences of our decisions.

Also please don't tell us how you liked us (or certain things about us) better before we transitioned. There is a normal and healthy grieving process that people go through around any major change, including gender changes by people in our lives. It's important to acknowledge and deal with your feelings, but not with us. We are going through enough stress, and we really just need your support.

Do not tell us how hard this is for you or how uncomfortable we make you. However challenging it may feel to you, it's much harder to live as a Transperson. Many many people become amazing Trans allies and effortlessly call all their Trans friends by the right names and pronouns. You can too, it's really not that hard - it's just a different way of thinking about gender. If you are uncomfortable with someone's gender, find ways to work on it yourself or with other, knowledgeable non-trans friends.

Wild Teens

     
I left school at sixteen with very disappointing exam results (no university for me) and started work, training to be a carpenter/joiner in Leeds.

The company I was working for was very old school and my new work mates were very boisterous, mischievous and downright bullies, especially to apprentices. To this end I really had to 'man up' to survive in this environment. One particular joiner in the company had the accolade of Yorkshire apprentice joiner of the year, 2 years running, and this was to be the company benchmark. To this end I fell way short and did not receive the training that I would have expected, and spent most of my first year sweeping up or painting, and only getting out on site when they needed an extra pair or hands.

Towards the end of my first year I was sent out on a new build supermarket with the star joiner that I mentioned earlier, and suddenly he twigged that he was at college with my older brother (who failed his apprenticeship) and whom he bullied intensely. Unfortunately he had the same plans for me!

The second day on site he and a few of the others grabbed me and locked me in a steel site box and locked the box in one of the offices and left site. I was left in there for five hours and if it hadn't been for a alert night watchman it could have been over night and I may have suffocated. I got home as a very insecure 17 year old who did not want to go back to work.

The next day all my tormentor could do was laugh it off, and I bit my tongue and carried on with my work, which was that day hanging directional signage in the new store. The same afternoon he approached me in a fit of rage accusing me of placing two signs in the wrong place, and proceeded to grab my tool bag and scatter its contents on the floor. What happened in the following 30 seconds shaped my career for the next two years as I swung into a stiff arm tackle (very illegal and dangerous move in both Rugby league and Union) and my nemesis was out on the floor with a fractured jaw.

Immediately I was sent back to the company office and given a written warning, but to my surprise instead of being punished I was sent out with another joiner to give him a lift.

Work had spread round the company that I wasn't a soft touch and would stand up for myself.

This new assignment I regarded as very formative in my career as I was asked to do an operation, working at height which I considered highly dangerous, and to which I refused to do the task. So I was sent back to the office for a final written warning and transferred to the company small works department.

My new reputation followed me, a trouble maker who was now afraid of heights (nothing was further from the truth) and I started to feel more and more isolated.

Fortunately the manager of the small works department was a kindly man in his last years before retirement, he was wise and could read between the lines of what was happening. It was agreed that I would be given a clean slate, and although the warnings were still on my record if I behaved for six months this would be wiped from my records.

To this I knuckled down and started to develop my skills learning from two elderly bench hands who took me under their wing and I would be forever grateful to.

Work was now going well and on my 19th birthday I was able to buy my first motorcycle. This was at the height of the CB radio fad of the early 80's and I was able to form a small network of friends

Whom I am still in contact with and am very supportive. As a group of teenagers we were wild to the extreme and seven nights a week in the local was the order of the year. Although I was still secretly cross-dressing the constant alcohol induced wildness seemed to suppress this to some point.

This was only going down one path, arrested several times for fighting and public disorder (although surprisingly not charged.)

One evening on a night out in Bradford a friend of mine ran though a department store window and with all of us being slightly under the influence we jumped into a taxi to go for a curry.

However the taxi driver had seen this happen and as soon as he dropped us at the curry house, radioed in for the boys in blue to pick us up.

It was apparent that police were only after the one who did the damage, but we were all threatened and subjected to violence until we signed statements to enable them to charge our comrade. We were then released in Bradford city centre without charge, very black and blue and facing a 5 mile walk home at 4 am in the morning. Two hours later and only yards from home to our amazement we were re-arrested because of the state we were in taken back to the same station and instantly re-released to have to do the same walk again (Bastards!!).

To this when I got to work on the Monday morning I was greeted by the news that the manager had a car accident in which a child ran out in front of him on the previous, Friday .This was to prove fatal for the child and it was the last I ever saw of the works manager.

His replacement was installed immediately, a snide wirery man who was known in the firm as ‘piggy’.

He took an instant dislike to me and tried to stop me going on site claiming I was a disgrace to the company image. Neither the less the stiff arm incident was still fresh in the companies mind and he was cautious enough not to step over the line.

June 85’ I came back to the yard after a day on site to be find a note taped to my motorbike petrol tank asking me to go see the company owner. The new manager had firmly locked himself in the office until I had left to see the owner.

I was told that I was not being kept on after my apprenticeship was over and I had one weeks’ notice to get another job.

I jumped on my motorbike and drove to just outside Whitby, armed with a bottle of brandy and a bottle of paracetomol wondering what to do next.     

The diferance a week makes

A little break from the story, to say how amazing this week for me it has been. Monday I had a call from my former partner informing me that my photo driving licence had expired and according and technically I was driving around illegally.

Being a pure Yorkshire girl I loathe having to spend money twice, and so in a rush of blood to the head Karen Amanda Richards came into being sooner than planned, this also meant all my information had to change, tax, DVLA, passport, bank account and of course CSCS (I think the in call centre are is recovering well and should be back at work next month!!).

So as from Monday my two year real life experience began, a contract with myself to live 24/7 as a female and only use my female name. Friends and family should address me as Karen and also use the correct nouns and pro-nouns.

After this period (in which I will be prescribed female hormones) I can be referred for surgery and obtain a gender recognition certificate.

Tuesday came as the first day of my first aid certificate re-qualification; I walked into the classroom with the deed poll and handed it to Mary who was the course tutor who quickly realised what was going on.

The first module was on controlling shock, which after all the delegates seemed to need after the lady in the corner of the room introduced her in a typical male voice (this needs urgent attention!). The first coffee break came and it was very apparent that I was the isolated one in the group, most would have never met a transsexual in their lives never mind the inkling to understand one, so I was sat on my own.

The next module was practical demonstration to which I was partnered with a very nervous security guard who was obviously made worse by my presence, I think I now know what it was like to have Leprosy.

Lunch came and I walked to the local supermarket to get a sandwich, and was quite amazed the no-one seemed to read me, (this was a buzz!!). On my return one of the girls on the course decided to break the ice, I think it was out of curiosity and wanted quite a few questions answered, which I don't mind as I believe knowledge is the path to acceptance.

By the time the afternoon coffee break came all the ladies on the course were happily chatting with me, and it was the security guard that now had leprosy, as I always maintain women are much more accepting of diversity than men.

Day Two - Because I have held a four-day (now three) certificate for over 15 years, it was very apparent that I was at an advantage to the others on the course so most of the second morning was spent helping the girls revise for the forth coming exam and practical. The exam came and as usual 100%. Then came the dreaded practical which was to be done in pairs, and of course I got partnered with the security guard who was looking more nervous on hearing the pairing.

We were to go in pairs at 40 minute intervals and I was drawn last, so it was two hours sunbathing and revising with the girls until we were called in.

First I was given a practical to do with the security guard on control of bleeding, then came the CPR, which started fine -30 chest compressions followed by 2 rescue breaths, then back to the compressions 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 and suddenly a prosthetic breast flew out of my bra and onto the dummy, still I continued but the examiner was rolling on the floor and saying "enough, you obviously know what you are doing!

That evening I received an email with my first certificate in my new name!! WOW!

Thursday I was contacted by an employment agency wanting to discuss a contract, the guy was obviously driving and on hands free, 30 seconds into the conversation I dropped the bombshell, about my impending transition, and as he reversed his car out of the tree I had a surprise reaction, "Well the work you have done for us before has always been spot on, so I don't see it make that much of a difference”. Although I haven't heard anymore.

Friday was spent changing details over.

Then came today seven days of 24/7 female and an early morning doctor’s appointment. This was to do with my treatment which will move like a lethargic slug on the NHS. Fortunately I have a very kind and supportive GP who has refereed me to a private consultant in London so my hormone treatment can start as soon as September! Result

childhoods end

Some suggest the way a personality develops is a case of nature or nurture and that these conditions affect the way you turn out as an adult.

I must explain that with most that identify as LBGT are a case of nature, just how they are, how they feel and how they react.

As a Trans -gender person I knew I was different very early in life, I wasn't interested in rough and tumble and many of the games that the other boys played. I was quieter and reserved read books drew, and grew a very big dislike for violence. Most would have just called me soft but there was something else and this was helped by my best playmate who was my younger sister who I adored.

With only 2 years age gap we were very close, but I was also jealous of her. How she could dress differently, have a different hairstyle and every day look so pretty. While I was left with the same old male programming of how society thinks I should look clipper short hair short pants and t-shirt was the best I could expect or get.

I recall when I was around seven years old having  a nightmare that I was being forced to live as a boy for the rest of my life & I ran crying into my parents room for comfort, but wouldn't tell them what the nightmare was about. This nightmare never left me

My parents were very caring, but you also didn’t want to get on the wrong side of them. My mother had an extremely nasty temper that was easy to trigger (due to being mistreated as a child) and my father was quite mild mannered although this changed as he got older.

My older brother had learning difficulties but in the 1970's the education system did not recognise this.

It was always a case that he was forced into one organisation (Church choir, cub’s scouts, Army cadets) , good thing that my singing voice is a cross between the two Bobs (Dylan & Geldof !)

To ensure that he would stay out of trouble which my mother always feared, I feared that I would have the same sort of path.

As a child my health was not good convulsions lots of time off school and eleven weeks in hospital with pneumonia. I lost a great deal of school time and always seemed to be off with one ailment or another , and with my mum and dad working full time I had many hours on my own and I began to cross dress. First only something simple a dress of my sisters which I would wear for 20 minutes or so then hurriedly take it off , feel ashamed and promise myself I would not do it again . Only to repeat the whole process the very next day. This was probably how it was until I was around 11years old, very shy, not well socialised apart from playtime with my sister, and not very confident. By the time I reached by secondary school my father had made it his mission to toughen me up. This seemed to work on the surface, although I was still cross-dressing at every opportunity and getting better at concealing it. I didn't take to puberty well while my body was changing with the rush of testosterone into the bloodstream I longed for it to stop, so I could maybe become who I secretly was.

All the girls in my class were blossoming into young women, and while I was becoming someone I wasn't.

Still that was the way it was, and I felt totally alone in my inner self.

By the time I was 13, Rock music to my rescue, I loved the music, and as a fan could grow my hair out (parents did not approve!!) and become more and more androgynous. I was now playing quiet a lot of rugby and doing as many macho things as possible, but my female inner while suppressed would not go away and I dressed at every opportunity.

In 1980 BBC2 broadcast a groundbreaking series called a change of sex, which followed George on his journey to becoming Julia (Grant) who amazingly I got to know in later life, this I managed to watch in secret and it opened my eyes to what was possible. In my eyes there was Julia and I that had this problem, no one else.

I had started to drift apart from my sister, at that age it just wasn't done; she now had a large circle of friends, and had no time for her childhood playmate. She however had a rough idea, that there was something different with her brother.

We had both cross-dressed in role play in our early teens and she had noticed that I seemed to enjoy it more than her and didn't want to revert back to my male role.

In my teens I continued to dress in secret mainly late at night with whatever clothing I could acquire hidden even under the mattress or in the void behind the chest of draws, I must express although I got a rush from this, it was not sexual, more a relief to see the girl I should be looking back.

Stereotyping

Like most LBGT people I don't like labels, not every gay man is a effeminate as Larry Grayson or John Inman  , lesbian women don't all were dungarees , lumberjack shirts listen to KD Lang and hate all men!
In the same vein trans people don't aspire to be like Les Dawson, Danny LaRue or Lilly Savage. Most in the community do not try to be flamboyant and would rather blend into the background and live their lives with dignity and respect. 
We must remember that it its only 45 years ago , that anyone who I identified as LBGT could ( and often was) imprisoned , subjected to chemical castration (most famously Alan Turing), and Electroconvulsive therapy . This was used predominately on trans-people.
Sometimes stereotyping and the image of a group and organisation gets it wrong even the macho heavy metal band Judas Priest boasts the first openly gay heavy metal singer and the band have a massive LBGT following!
I remember in my teens I used to hang around with a well known 1 % biker gang   , one of the gang , a very big guy  and a good friend with a nasty reputation to boot , all of a sudden disappeared only to show up some years later , gone were the long hair and beard , gone was the leather jacket and denim cut and gone was almost 10st in weight. This was replace by  a rather slim smart guy who i seemed to recognise , but couldn't be sure , then as he approached the jukebox ,  I thought he would give himself away by his obligatory "born to be wild" instead we were treated to soft cell , divine ,and the pet shop boys. Yes it was my old biker friend and yes he had come out as gay and it goes to prove you never know.
The Rainbow flag which has been adopted by the LBGT community worldwide symbolises an ebracement of the differences that make up our society , and that all from whichever end of the spectrum you come from is accepted, respected and valued.
However this sometimes is not the case , I myself have suffered verbal abuse from gay men and lesbian women who do not believe  that trans people belong under the same banner. Its can be  like the  the scene in Blazing saddles where the Indians attack the waggon train and the only Black family are not allowed into the circle and have to form there own! 
The media do not help with constant hounding of LBGT people who are unfortunate to get even two  minutes of fame. Trans people tend to get hounded even more as we don't even need to have any fame its just we appear to be societies last taboo.  Channel 4 have recently been the first UK broadcaster to sign up to the trans media watch code of practise to ensure trans people are portrayed in a fair and positive light in future programmes.


Alan Turing                                                      Electroconvulsive therapy

   

                                                                                                          Rob Halford

First an introduction

   

 Firstly my name is Karen Richards and i work as a site/ project/ manager and a freelance Health & Safety adviser  (trade background).
I myself identify as transgender ( pre-op transsexual to be more precise)  & I have Gender Identity disphoria which is a genetic medical condition , not an illness or Mental disorder as some would assume. 
 What does that mean you may ask? Imagine waking up every day with your mind in the wrong body ? A true nightmare that I have lived with for over 40 years . One myth is that transgendered people are homosexual, this is so untrue - gender identity has nothing to do with sexuality.  The fact is it is now estimated that one in four thousand people in the UK are receiving some form of medical treatment / counselling for a gender identity issue. This means their could be as many as 155,000 potential transsexuals in the UK alone. The population of Cross dressers/transvestites is at least five times higher.

I have been working in the retail construction sector for 24 years, I like, most kept it closeted for years which led to low self esteem,alcohol abuse and depression that was  until five years ago when I was made redundant from a well known shopfitting contractor and I made what a decision to live my life how I wanted and not conform to the industry stereotype    . Some say I am brave some say I am stupid, but I did it. No as you may think I didn’t start coming to site wearing  , make- up ,a dress or high heels  (and still don't but my changes were gradual and more subtle. I grew my hair out, dyed it and it is now cut in a feminine bob style , my eye brows are shaped and tinted , nails manicured with clear polish toes painted (although you never see them for the safety boots) .

Has this cost me work –yes, do I get treated different to others on site- definitely  , but not to my face it’s the whispers and snigger's behind my back which hurt. Although once my colleagues get to know me this gets less  and less.  I probably have to prove my ability more than anyone to be able to hold any position and it always seems to be me who is first in the queue for being laid off.

I have also taken a very active role in the Trans community as a committee member of Manchester Concord www.manchesterconcord.org.uk which is a social /support group based in Manchester and also a trustee/ organiser of Sparkle -the national transgender celebration www.sparkle.org.uk which is the largest gathering of transgender people worldwide .
The purpose of this blog is to share my life experiences as a transgerderd person working in the construction industry, to highlight where I have met prejudice , the highs , the lows & incidents that sometimes seem completely bizarre.
For the protection of others I will not name specific companies , sites , or any personnel involved as this is not the point of this blog