So How Do I address you ? A guide for beginners

I am using the word "Trans" in the broadest sense, to include labels like genderqueer, transgender and transsexual. This was originally written from my own experience as a MtF Transsexual who is perceived as both female and male. Of course, every Trans person is different, and would write this list differently. Also, some things, which are totally inappropriate with strangers or acquaintances, may be fine or welcomed in the context of a trusting relationship. I'm sad to say that I've done most of the things on this list at some point in my life, and had most of them done to me even by other Trans people. As with other forms of oppression, they are socialised into us from birth. We are all taught to be Transphobic, and unlearning it is a process and a responsibility in a modren forward thinking buisness.

Pronouns & Self-Identification
Respect everyone's self-identification. Call everyone by their preferred name/s and pronoun/s. Use language and behaviour that is appropriate to their gender self-identification. Do this for everyone, all the time, no matter how much you think they deviate from what a "real man" or "real woman" should be. What we truly know ourselves to be should be the only determinant of our gender in society. Set aside your doubts, start educating yourself and respect that we are who we say we are. By doing this you are saying: "I see you, I support you, I respect you." By not doing this, you let Trans people know: "I don't understand you and I'm not trying to. What you tell me about yourself is not important, all that's important is how I think of you. I am not your ally. You are not safe with me." Being referred to or treated as the wrong gender feels painful and disrespectful to us. It's hard and dangerous to change your name and pronoun. Know that it has taken a lot of courage for this person to let you know who they really are; they are sharing something very precious. It may seem hard or silly to you at first, but it can be a matter of life and death for us.

If you don't know what pronouns or gender-labels someone prefers (and there's no mutual friend around to clue you in), just ask them. Politely. And respectfully. For example: "What pronoun do you prefer?" or "How do you like to be referred to, in terms of gender?" Usually when people can't immediately determine someone's gender, they become afraid and hostile. If you misrecognise someone's gender, it's okay, don't freak out. Apologise once and get it right the next time. Misidentifying or being unable to classify someone's gender does not have to be an awkward or shameful experience. By asking someone in the right way, you can indirectly communicate: "I want to be respectful of you and I don't want to make any assumptions. I see your gender ambiguity and/or fluid gender expression as a positive, fabulous, creative and honest (need I go on?) thing."

Some Transpeople are bravely making more space for gender diversity by using language creatively. Respect these efforts and don't dismiss them as silly, funny, weird or too difficult. (Remember Mahatma Ghandi's words: "First they ignored us, then they laughed at us, then they tried to fight us, then we won.") .
Invasive Questions
Medical Information
You do NOT have the right to know any medical or anatomical information about anyone else's body, unless they decide to share it with you. This means: don't ask about their genitals, their surgeries, the effects of their hormones, etc. This is private! The first question usually asked to Transpeople is, "Do you have a penis?" or "Do you have a vagina?" Would you ask a non-Trans person about their genitals? To do so is incredibly invasive and disrespectful. It reduces us to one body part, as if all the rest of our minds, hearts, bodies, contributions and personalities are not important. Our bodies are not a community forum, or a tool to educate you!

Also, don't ask us about our surgeries, medications, etc. If we want you to know about something, we'll bring it up. For example, just because your friend-of-a-friend-of-a-Transperson told you that someone is having surgery, doesn't mean you have a right to come up and ask them about it (especially in front of other people).

Don't ask us if we've had a sex change operation. Gender transition doesn't happen through one magic operation. And the operation you're thinking of probably involves transforming our genitals, which, again, is reductive and disrespectful. Some of us never want to have any surgeries. Some of us desperately want surgery and can't afford it or don't have access to it. For a lot of female-to-male Transpeople the surgeries they would want don't exist. Even if you're curious, don't interrogate us. It's not our job to educate you and we may not feel like answering your incredibly personal questions right now. Unless we bring it up, don't ask us how our gender is affecting our personal relationships. For example, if you just met me, don't ask me how my family is taking it.

If you want to find out more about trans bodies or our families, educate yourself through books, websites, films, etc.

"Outing"
Trans people have a huge range of ways that we navigate the world, based on preference and necessity. Transphobia functions very differently than homophobia; being "out" is not necessarily desirable or possible for us. Being a trans ally means supporting people in being more safe and healthy - which may mean anything between letting everyone they meet know they are Trans, to keeping their gender history entirely confidential. Its crucial to support people in being as "out", or not, as they need to be. There are many situations in which being "out" could have serious negative repercussions; Transpeople are killed every year just because other people find out they are Trans. Revealing someone's Trans status could cost them a job, a relationship, or their physical safety. Many Transpeople are perceived 100% of the time as their preferred gender, and no one would ever suspect they had been through a gender transition at some point. Some of these folks prefer never to be "out" as trans and, in fact, may not even consider themselves "Trans." This is a completely valid choice among the huge spectrum of gender diversity. If you know someone whose Trans experience is completely private, respect them by honouring that privacy.

Some of us are most comfortable being "out" as Trans all the time; some of us may never reveal our Trans status to anyone. Do not assume that just because you know us in one way, that we are able to, or choose to, live that way in every other part of our lives. Some of us express our gender in different ways in different parts of our lives. For example, we may not be able to find work as the gender we truly are. Or we may only find peace by living some of the time in a more masculine gender and some of the time as more feminine. For myself, even though I hate being called "she", if someone refers to me that way, I might or might not correct them depending on many variables: whether I'm going to have to see them again, how confident I feel, who I'm with, how much backup I have, etc.

Think about when and why you "out" someone as trans. Are you talking about your "Trans friend" just to prove how open and hip you are? Is it necessary to out this person, or are you doing it for your own personal reasons?

Names
Names are very powerful things. For a lot of Trans people, the names given to us by our parents represent a gender identity which was wrong, humiliating and forced. Changing our names carries a lot more weight than it does for non-Trans people. Don't ask someone what their old name was. And don't ask if our current names are our "given names", or worse yet, "real names." If someone wants you to know, they will tell you. If you know someone's old name, don't share it with other people.

Some transpeople go by multiple names, because they are in transition, or because they prefer it that way. Again, don't trip about it. Just ask them what they prefer to be called and then call them that, every time. It may seem strange to you, but it's completely normal for us.

Transition
Please do not assume that our gender transitions are linear, one-way, or start or end at a fixed point. For example, some intersex people* (who aren't "born male" or "born female") have Trans experiences, and may also identify as Trans. Some Transpeople, for example, may express themselves as masculine, feminine and then back to masculine. In an ideal world this would be no different than having long hair, then short hair, then long again. There are infinite ways to transition. Things like binding, packing, tucking, electrolysis, hormones, surgery, or changing our name, legal "sex" and pronoun, are some of the possible steps of a gender transition. Trans people have the right to make all, some or none of these changes, and in any order.

 It is also not adivseable to ask us if we are sure, or remind us that our transition is irreversible and that we may regret our changes & do not tell us we are coming out as Trans just to be "trendy". We have usually been thinking about and dealing with our gender issues for a long time, although we may not have shared our years of internal torment with you. We are aware of, and probably very excited about, the consequences of our decisions.

Also please don't tell us how you liked us (or certain things about us) better before we transitioned. There is a normal and healthy grieving process that people go through around any major change, including gender changes by people in our lives. It's important to acknowledge and deal with your feelings, but not with us. We are going through enough stress, and we really just need your support.

Do not tell us how hard this is for you or how uncomfortable we make you. However challenging it may feel to you, it's much harder to live as a Transperson. Many many people become amazing Trans allies and effortlessly call all their Trans friends by the right names and pronouns. You can too, it's really not that hard - it's just a different way of thinking about gender. If you are uncomfortable with someone's gender, find ways to work on it yourself or with other, knowledgeable non-trans friends.

Wild Teens

     
I left school at sixteen with very disappointing exam results (no university for me) and started work, training to be a carpenter/joiner in Leeds.

The company I was working for was very old school and my new work mates were very boisterous, mischievous and downright bullies, especially to apprentices. To this end I really had to 'man up' to survive in this environment. One particular joiner in the company had the accolade of Yorkshire apprentice joiner of the year, 2 years running, and this was to be the company benchmark. To this end I fell way short and did not receive the training that I would have expected, and spent most of my first year sweeping up or painting, and only getting out on site when they needed an extra pair or hands.

Towards the end of my first year I was sent out on a new build supermarket with the star joiner that I mentioned earlier, and suddenly he twigged that he was at college with my older brother (who failed his apprenticeship) and whom he bullied intensely. Unfortunately he had the same plans for me!

The second day on site he and a few of the others grabbed me and locked me in a steel site box and locked the box in one of the offices and left site. I was left in there for five hours and if it hadn't been for a alert night watchman it could have been over night and I may have suffocated. I got home as a very insecure 17 year old who did not want to go back to work.

The next day all my tormentor could do was laugh it off, and I bit my tongue and carried on with my work, which was that day hanging directional signage in the new store. The same afternoon he approached me in a fit of rage accusing me of placing two signs in the wrong place, and proceeded to grab my tool bag and scatter its contents on the floor. What happened in the following 30 seconds shaped my career for the next two years as I swung into a stiff arm tackle (very illegal and dangerous move in both Rugby league and Union) and my nemesis was out on the floor with a fractured jaw.

Immediately I was sent back to the company office and given a written warning, but to my surprise instead of being punished I was sent out with another joiner to give him a lift.

Work had spread round the company that I wasn't a soft touch and would stand up for myself.

This new assignment I regarded as very formative in my career as I was asked to do an operation, working at height which I considered highly dangerous, and to which I refused to do the task. So I was sent back to the office for a final written warning and transferred to the company small works department.

My new reputation followed me, a trouble maker who was now afraid of heights (nothing was further from the truth) and I started to feel more and more isolated.

Fortunately the manager of the small works department was a kindly man in his last years before retirement, he was wise and could read between the lines of what was happening. It was agreed that I would be given a clean slate, and although the warnings were still on my record if I behaved for six months this would be wiped from my records.

To this I knuckled down and started to develop my skills learning from two elderly bench hands who took me under their wing and I would be forever grateful to.

Work was now going well and on my 19th birthday I was able to buy my first motorcycle. This was at the height of the CB radio fad of the early 80's and I was able to form a small network of friends

Whom I am still in contact with and am very supportive. As a group of teenagers we were wild to the extreme and seven nights a week in the local was the order of the year. Although I was still secretly cross-dressing the constant alcohol induced wildness seemed to suppress this to some point.

This was only going down one path, arrested several times for fighting and public disorder (although surprisingly not charged.)

One evening on a night out in Bradford a friend of mine ran though a department store window and with all of us being slightly under the influence we jumped into a taxi to go for a curry.

However the taxi driver had seen this happen and as soon as he dropped us at the curry house, radioed in for the boys in blue to pick us up.

It was apparent that police were only after the one who did the damage, but we were all threatened and subjected to violence until we signed statements to enable them to charge our comrade. We were then released in Bradford city centre without charge, very black and blue and facing a 5 mile walk home at 4 am in the morning. Two hours later and only yards from home to our amazement we were re-arrested because of the state we were in taken back to the same station and instantly re-released to have to do the same walk again (Bastards!!).

To this when I got to work on the Monday morning I was greeted by the news that the manager had a car accident in which a child ran out in front of him on the previous, Friday .This was to prove fatal for the child and it was the last I ever saw of the works manager.

His replacement was installed immediately, a snide wirery man who was known in the firm as ‘piggy’.

He took an instant dislike to me and tried to stop me going on site claiming I was a disgrace to the company image. Neither the less the stiff arm incident was still fresh in the companies mind and he was cautious enough not to step over the line.

June 85’ I came back to the yard after a day on site to be find a note taped to my motorbike petrol tank asking me to go see the company owner. The new manager had firmly locked himself in the office until I had left to see the owner.

I was told that I was not being kept on after my apprenticeship was over and I had one weeks’ notice to get another job.

I jumped on my motorbike and drove to just outside Whitby, armed with a bottle of brandy and a bottle of paracetomol wondering what to do next.